The kids in Cambodia are just wonderful and nothing else, I wish I could be with them forever

Thats all.

Unbelievable

Today was a pretty full on day,

The first thing we heard when we came in to the center was that one of the boys had ran away, again, and that a girl was sitting there arguing with mommy that she wanted to go back home.

This is a girl who is 12 years old, her parents are suffering from HIV, she has been in and out of CDCC about 4 times now and by going back she risks having her dad sell her off as a 'taxi girl'. In spite of all this she still considered herself better off outside CDCC cause she would have freedom to do what she wanted and money to spend. They took her back to talk to her parents but her mother was out. However, her dad and grand mother were there and they told her to go away, they did not want her. So she came back only to leave at the end of the day when her mother came to CDCC and took her back.
Thats so crazy I don't even know where to begin...

Oh and if I haven't told you already 2 (possibly 3) out of our group of 7 are leaving for Christmas and not coming back... Cambodia seriously gets to you.....

How was your day?

I know what I want to do with my life!

Or well sort of.... not really. But I know what I'd like to do as one aspect to it. Okay I'm even confusing myself now but that’s only cause I'm a bit hyperactive. I'll just start from the beginning. Not very creative writing but it will have to do.

So I went to see Tiny Toons (the break dancing kids) practice today and I felt like such a dork the whole time. Just imagine a white girl sitting with a big lame smile o her face around a bunch of hardcore street Khmer kids. LOL Well anyways. So I was sitting there and talking to KK and stuff and I had sort of a revelation or whatever it’s called (God my English is a mess).
I'd really like to have a house full of kids, just not kids of my own. Okay, again I'm confusing you... Here's the thing... KK (an American Khmer person sent here who I know through Korsang and stuff- told you about Tiny toons before remember?) Well every night Monday to Saturday he teaches some kids break-dance (this in order for them to have something to do instead of just roaming around the street causing trouble) and well a lot of these kids are kinda messed up and what you would call a rascal. And well some of them come from bad family situations which they can't handle so they run away or get kicked out and since they have no where else to go they go to KK and he lets them stay there.
And well I could very much see myself in a similar situation and I think I could get a good self fulfillment from it and just a well I don't really know. I just really like the idea of having a big house full of kids that I'm only semi responsible for. We'll see... I'll think about it some more and se if I can present it in a more structured way.

Anyways about the Tiny Toons kids, they are far from as loving and adorable as my kids at CDCC (today I made the mistake of saying I like you to a girl in front of some of the other kids and then I of course had to go around the bunch saying the name of every child and that I liked them to and ending it with saying I like everyone, but it was kinda funny the way it happened... as soon as I had said it to the first girl the boy next to hear said very demandingly Ulrika? haha getting side tracked) but they are hardcore kids very cool don't really care about you (as it seems at least) but at the same time very charming... When I was about to leave one of the kids were practicing/playing by standing on his head in the couch and I looked at him and it turned into a Simon says game where I copied everything he did and it was just really cute hey... (YES, I do know how lame my stories are but they mean something to me.... it's really special... Its funny though cause I seriously have a hard time coping with grown up Khmer people here but anyone under the age of 15 are just adorable!

Alright I'm gonna stop now but this will keep going in my head all evening :)

Peace out

So I've been thinking about these kids...

When I think of an orphanage I picture poverty, grey walls, rats, kids in bad health shape not looked after being very unhappy. And then I look at the kids at CDCC and sure they have rats running around, and sure their clothes are torn and no one ever wipes their runny noses, their teeth has rotten and they are all malnurished. But besides this... I seldom see them cry, I seldom see them fight and they have a staff that looks after them. I am working at a really nice orphanage and I am aware that there are many places around which are a lot worse off. The director of the place he keeps saying they need money for this and for that but they don't really need it and these kids are being very spoiled in a way cause there are a lot of people that have heard about CDCC and keeps donating things to them. (which is great, don't get me wrong I'm not saying they shouldn't have these things I'm just saying that there are other places that could use some of these contribution and some of teh attention that CDCC has). The only thing these kids are actually missing is freedom and individual attention.
Also unlike many other orphanage the kids here when they first arrive are expected to hug each and every one of their new brothers and sisters, this leads to a sense of family and I think that is the reason why there are so few problems between the kids and they keep touching each other, it's a place full of love which is great. However I wonder what will happen in the future when they are let out in the Cambodian society which is rather cold and unfriendly. It scares me to think what a shock they will recieve and I wonder how many of them will be able to cope. So I guess the problem is to find a middle way of bringing up these kids. Either way, they are llovely and the best part of the day is when Saphorn or Samnang asks for my attention. Sai sabok! Sok Sabai!

Anyway, Friday I went out to a bar for a while- nothing special, Saturday the boys had decided to go out dancing, it ended up with me dancing having a blast and them wanting to leave- I need to go out dancing soon again it made me feel so good. and Sunday I went to Wat Phnom and saw monkeys and an elephant (oh and here's a pretty picture of what Cambodia is like, when watching the monkeys I turned around and looked to the right and there was a little girl taking a dump right next to me... lovely- as I hope you understand I decided to get p and leave then. Cambodia......)

Hmm anything else.. mm don't think so... Ciao

Outreach

I just got my invitation from the embassy to come and celebrate Lucia :D

I'v been noticing this week that I think as we're quickly approaching half way through this project teh kids have now started to trust us in coming back. They are starting to be comfortable around us and it just seems as we have been molded in well. Very nice.

Yesterday evening we went to the riverside and Jenni the new girl ate bugs.... I will not eat bugs it is seriously creepy. I might have tried one if it wasnt for the fact that I havent eaten meat in like 6 years now but still... Its a weord thing seeing all these bugs.

This morning I went on an outreach with Korsang. I think I've told you about it but if not then its an organisation which does clean needle exchange to heroin users. It was pretty full on. We went to four different places and at all of them we saw people sitting there shooting up. That for me was really poverty... I think Im unable to put it down in to words but Ill try to think of it and then write more on how it was.

Its Friday and I feel pretty lost. I keep thinking I have so many appointments this weekend but in fact I have nothing planned. I think I'm gonna go up and cook dinner and then just watch some tv...

Talk to you soon

sunshine

I guess since I'm letting you all know how bad I feel I should let you know when I feel okay as well so that you don't think I'm constantly miserable. (I'm not constantly miserable it's just that I feel a lot more inclout ituess thats ained to write when I feel miserable)
At this moment I'm watching HBO and theyre showing Oceans 12, I really like HBO they always show cool movies. My plan for today is as follows: at one I have to go to the bus stop to drop of some chocolate to send up to pursat to thea and oyvind, thought i should make them happy. then I hope to finish writing my personal statement so that after reviewing it tomorrow I can send it off to a friend and ask him to look at it and give me feedback. Furthermore I need to finish some work for Bridges that I was supposed to have done a little while ago.. this procrasination.. god what do do about it! Hmm I guess tahts aout it for my plans, eating beans for dinner, I'm really in to beans its gooooood :)
About yesterday, don't really know what happened to the entire day but the evening was really nice actually. We all went out for dinner so it was the seven of us + the UWCSEAs teacher + two men from pursat + the director of CDCC and CCH. (the latter three are part of the UWC committee cambodia. After this I went to pick up Wendy and her husband Andrew and we went to Strangers sitting there with a bunch of people and I'm dead serious when I say I laughed for an hour straight. They were just fooling around for an entire hour.. I caan't believe they ahd the energy. Then at about eleven I realised I was sitting there falling asleep so I decided to go home.

Jupp jupp thasts about it for now, maybe not the most thought through thing Ive written so far but I just wanted to let you know that it isnt ALL black clouds here... there are some sunshine.

nek auy mean samnang la'ah (for those of you who want to practise khmer- good luck to you)

Surviving

First of all I want to tell you that I'm not as resigned as I was the last few times I wrote. Yes, I am lonely but I'll try to cope with it and it's not as bad right now at least. A new girl has arrived and she seems sweet. The group had a big talk Monday evening of how we should get along better and well most of it just sounded like nothing but pretty words to me but maybe it can become something. I at least tried taking a first step yesterday by introducing Tuesday dinners. Me and Gerbrand made crepes (pappa du skulle varit sa stolt jag kopierade dig :)) and today I saw a note in the kitchen announcing that Oystein and Mike will cook dinner next Tuesday :). Anyways... Yeah I guess I'm on a bit of a more positive note than the last week.

However I do miss people a lot and I've been thinking more and more about going back to the college when I get back even though I swore to myself not to.

Furthermore I'm kinda stressed cause it feels like I have a ton of things to do, university applications mainly... man I don't want to go to uni...

Also I can notice a change in me. When I first came I was so excited and I wanted to do EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING. Now I'm more like, I'm pretty satisfied just doing my teaching bit Monday to Friday from 9-16 and then just chill and relax, after all this is supposed to be my gap year... Hmm it’s kinda funny. Just want to do my thing, hang with the kids and just try to get by... you know what I mean?

Miss you all a lot!

the ugly truth

So here's what I discovered: people here are like cats and I am like a dog.

I'm just really tired of not feeling special. I've tried and tried to make friends but its just nt working and I don't know what to do about it anymore. Yes I feel special when I am around the kids but I also get a guilty consience because of the fact that I am using these kids to feel special when it should be the opposite way. Aren't you like an aweful human being if you use kids for your own needs? (that sounds alot worse than i mean but you do understand don't you) I don't know what to do... maybe its just a feeling i need to get used to.. loneliness... anyways... night

... make that the 7th bowl of muesli

the 411

I think I'm at my fifth or six bowl of musli, that can't be healthy.
I'm trying to finish off my university applications but it's just too difficult, I'm uncapable to do them
(which probably means I shouldn't go to that school)
Also I just keep getting more and more reluctant to the thought of going back to school.
Besides this I have a nasty cough (and head lice it seems) and everyone tells me that I should go to the doctor but do you really go to the doctor for just a cough?
Thats one thing which I think is really cultural. When do you go to the doctor? I think us from the nordic region have a general conception of only going to the doctor when we really need to while as like the Astralians it seems goes to the doctor for just about anything. Weird. Don't really know if I'm in the need of it or not. Anyways.
Today I had the pleasure of having two six year olds at different times telling me that they loved me. The funny thing is that I think this warmed my heart more than anyone ever telling me they loved me.
(most of the kids are between 8 and 12 but there are some that are older and some that are younger, and there are these three 6 year olds that I like in particular cause they just have such a big personality in their small bodies its lovely. so then today we sitting on a swing me, two of the other voulenteers and some of the kids including these six year olds and the boy was sitting trying to do my hair and everytime he had done it he said saat (pretty) but five minutes later he had to re do it and after doing it said saat again... he did this lie twenty times or something and then in the end he just fell donw laughing and said he loved me...
then like ten minutes later one of the other six year olds a girl ran up to me hugged me and said the same thing
I don't think Ive ever been so touched by someone sayign they love me to me before...
i guess im kinda in love with the kids as well in a way....) Just a memory I want to be sure i remember.

I'm so deep in it hey it's bad!

Talk to me!!

Now or later?

This weekend has been great.

But now I'm feeling rather undecisive and a bit torn. Spending all of the weekend with Thea and Oyvind and just feeling really great and comfortable and at ease has made me leaning more and more towards the thought of going up to Pursat after Christmas. But then again if I do tha there is the risk of it ending up with me havig nothing to do and also, I visited the center today as sort of a surprise visit not having been there for two days and the children got so happy and they were all over me and it just felt great. They are just so beautiful and I care for them so much and it wouldnt feel all fair to leave them. And I know that the kids up in Pursat aren't as loveable (thats kind of harsh but I don't mean it in that way. It's just that they arent as much kids as these are. They are more proper students while the children at CDCC are a family which I've been let into) However I will leave at one time or another since I won't be spending the rest of my life here so maybe it is just as well me leaving after Christmas instead of in April when they are even more attached to me. (and I to them)
I'm not sure.

Keep you updated.

problems arising?

Busy busy day so many things to do I'm a bit stressed out :) But I'll tell you the high point of my day, for about ten minutes today Samnang, Saphorn, Meatleang, Saphia and Sarin were attacking me trying to tickle me (of course it ended up with me tickling them) but in the end we were all so exhausted we just lay down but it was just awesome and lovely and something I'll carry in my memory as a treasure for a long time...

Besides this I'm starting to rethink my situation... I mean I really adore the children and I love being there but for the rest of my life here it just doesn't seem to improve... don't really feel like going into details about it but it just doesnt seem sustainable. Gaah I don't know what I'm saying... I just don't really know what is happening and how to make things feel right... Anyways just needed to air a bit...

Talk to you later

One flew over the cuckoos nest

have you seen the movie one flew over the cuckoos nest? yep that was pretty much like what my afternoon class was like.... the kids are just crazy (in an amazing way)
yesterday was intense and sadly did not turn out as we had expected oh well its alright... feeling so and so, happy for the weekend thats coming when thea and oyvind comes down also babysitting hollys house which will be cool... hmm what else? probably a lot more but yeah im tired... don't really have all my emotions under control but its okay anyway no need for worrying....

Night