Well adjusted

A new girl came to our center about two weeks ago and she's having major troubles fitting in with the other kids. They just don't get along and she's so freaked out about being there that she acts like she's on constant supply of speed, crying, laughing and just being extremly hyper. And its truly a pain to always have her around stirring comotion everywhere. Today she tried to run away, I think it was mostly to test her boundaries but I'm not sure. Anyways it resluted in us running after us and having to carry her back and that was seriously hard cause she put up a fight, she did not want to be carried back and well anyways all of this with her has just made me realise how under the circumstances well adopted my kids are. They seldom fight or stir commotion or any thing and the only thing that they push the boundaries on ius how many hugs a day they can get from you. Even though I don't think this will benefit them very much when they leave the safe haven of the center for the real world it will give them a happier upbringing than what they would have gotten at the dump picking garbage. But also I'm thinking how lucky I was to have the chance to come to thi scenter. I can very well imagine that there are many places out there which have kids that are all as speeded and difficult as this girl and man that would be so exhausting and I'm not sure I'd be able to handle it.
Either way I just hope she'll be able t settle down SOON.

International

Thinking about the future I've come to see that as much as I miss Sweden when I'm abroad I miss being international even more when I'm home. Sweden is great and awesome, as long as I don't need to be there... (Sorry if I'm offending anyone) Even though I will always associate myself with Sweden I don't really think I ever want to live there again. My hopes for the future is that I will be able to stay abroad and disconnect myself from Sweden as my home and instead just have it as my origin. I truly hope that I will be able to become a permanent international, (whatever that means haha) So there. Thats my goal.

By-stander

I've been thinking a lot about Cambodia or more precise Phnom Penh and life here the past weeks and I've started to think that I'm starting to fit in but today I realised something. Yeah I probably do fit in to an extent and yeah I probably do have people here that like me but I don't have a life here... I will always be a by-stander or viewer, at the best times a visitor but never a participant. Truth of the matter is that I will leave this place and its only a middle stop for me from high school to where ever I'm about to go next and well I guess I've started to think now that I'm more then halfway through what I have actually accomplished and I'm not sure if I've accomplished that much. Wrong, I'm sure I've accomplished a lot for myself and developed but I don't think I've done to much for Cambodia or Phnom Penh or even CDCC. I'm just a viewer that gets an insight in the amazing and complex life of Phnom Penh (I'm not saying Cambodia cause PP is something different and one of a kind).
Furthermore it's a pitty cause I feel like I am ten years old dreaming of how my life will be at the age of twenty and its pretty perfect if only it was that I was actually contributing something to PP and not just living of it. Phnom Penh is special and I don't think there are too many places liek it left in the world and I seriously doubt that if I'm to leave and come back it will be at all as great. But anyway... just a thought..

the dish

So Im starting to notice that the weeks are kinda floating into eachother and i cant really tell what i did this week and so on. Which is good in a way that it shows that I am now accustomed to the place and settle in I suppose but its bad cause it only means that the end is approaching fast.
Highlights of the week though:

• Picking up Bruce at the airport. It involved bad music on my Ipod, danving, starring muslims, and a way too full pickup.
• My lovely kids and the Tiny Toons kids
• Phone week from hell.
• Wendy.
• Wendy messing up my head.
• Waiting for food for about two hours and then when we complained about it the chef was about to attack us.
• Packing all day today.
• Raiding Bruces closet and gettign cool new tshirts
• Driving lesson with Bruce tomorrow in the traffic of Phnom Penh (CROSS YOUR FINGERS AND TOES!!)
• Going swimming at a some kind of resort tomorrow.

Yup Well I think thats about it.... Hope youre all doign okay.

Stuck

I remember how over whelming it was at the college realising that people actually cared for me as much as I cared for them and its been even harder to come to terms with the fact that I am no longer in that environment but that I am out in the real world with normal people who are just not as careful and thoughtful in a way. Spending time with people here in Cambodia has at many times been a big dissapointment on all areas except one and that is the center and my angels. Its become even clearer now after being gone for sometime and coming back how wonderful these kids are. I cant quite judge how much I mean to them if any at all but its just a great feeling seeing their faces brightening when they spot you and I can just feel how deep in it I am. This is more over whelming than anything before but I absolutly and completly love these children. They are sooo beautiful and I wish them the world and I wish I could give them anything and my heart feels a string pulling tight every time I think of them and how I will be able to just get on with my life after this and I wont know what will happen to them... I'm trying to explain but it doesnt quite feel as if I'm manaing but its just too much for me to come back and see them and get their hugs or kisses that arent reallly kisses but still lasts for ten minutes :) Don't know what to do.

No goal in sight

I've been thinking a lot about this and its kinda worrying. I've always had it pretty easy in life (well except for all the normal stuff everyone goes through) but like I've never had to try very hard before and I think thats the reason why I now don't really know how to get myself focused and determined. I managed to more or less slide through school with not super good grades but still decent enough and I managed to get myself to Cambodia without too much trouble and I think no that I'm here I don't really have any other goal like up until now my life have been more or less fixed on before hand and now there isnt a new plan for the rest of it and I feel incapable of making one up myself and I'm just scared that I will wake up one day when I'm forty and realise that I haven't done anything useful with my life or even worse not wake up at all and just go through all of life without having accomplished anything. And I look around and there are so many determined people and people with a goal that they are willing to fight for and I don't feel anything. I'm pretty satisfied sitting down on my butt sipping fruitshakes thinking about clothes, boys and friends (Jup thats how shallow I am, its been concluded) and alternating with this sitting on my butt sipping fruitshakes together with boys or friends wearing pretty clothes. But when I think of the fact that I could be satsified with this I feel a strong sense of panic in my chest and I don't want that to be all I desire but I don't know how to get around this and how to get a goal or cause that I am willing to struggle for and to put some effort in. Its a pretty desperate feeling not knowing what to do with your life. Aweful huh.. some people would do anything in the world to have the choices I have the possibility to make and I'm just too lazy and ungrateful to make the most of it.

Long time no see

I know its been a really long time since I wrote but hear you ll go this is what I have been up to since last time.

I went to the beach over Christmas and it was exactly what I wanted it to be. It was too weird for me to celebrate Christmas on a beach in 30 degrees heat and no family so I decided to skip it and just have a nice vaccation which is exactly what I did. Went down with Thea and Oyvind which to the most part of it was great but had some weirdness to it which is part of the reason why I thought I should rethink going with them for a month back packing but whatever it was still nice maybe it was me. Besides Thea and Oyvind there were a lot of peple from Phnom Penh there and yeah it was just great. Over that week I started to really feel like I belong here to some extent at least. Ever since I got here it has been up and down so much and its been okay but theres only been a few occasions when its been great but that entire week was just great and I really felt as if I fit in. Thats another reason why I have reconsidered not to go with Thea and Oyvind for a month cause that would mean I would have to leave this place in like 6 weeks time and theres no way Im ready to leave that soon. Anyway then after that my mom and sister came down to visit and boy it was exhausting, I dont think I have ever taken the part of playing host so serious before but it was really nice though and we went up to see Angkor and it is a thing to see I must say. Driving past it the first evening gave you a feeling of surrealness (as so much else in Cambodia) and you really felt as if this was not for real you were in a movie or dream or something like that. It takes your breath away. Then now Im mostly waiting for things to settle down and go back to normal since they havent been so for the past month but for some reason hings are just so busy right now I dont know where to turn haha. Its okay though, just trying to enjoy it as much as possible while at the same time realising more and more that my lovely gap year will soon be over and I will need to get on with my life.. Not a very nice thought. I like it here and it actually feels a bit unfair having to breakup and say good bye to two life within the time of one year... but I guess thats the type of life I have choosen to live..
So heres the plan as it is now (it will probably change a number of times before it is over) I'm here until the 26th of February and then go to Vietnam for two weeks, come back to Phnom Penh until either the 13th or 16th of April and then either go to Thailand Chang mai and Bangkok or possibly squeeze in a djungle adventure in laos depending on planning. Then on the 23rd I'm flying out of Bangkok with Copenhagen as the destination and after that life is a mystery. Mmm I think thats it as a recap of the life at the moment.

I know its been a long time since I wrote and much has happend but I'll tell you all about it later, for nw I just want to say what a great feeling it was getting back to the center... saphorns face literally lit up when she saw me and then she kissed me for like five minues... it was pretty swell... Oh and after I'd hugged like the majority of the kids they all started to say wait wait payuth! and then they ran to get him... its just hard to explain the feeling there wasd then... I van't imagine leaving them...