Just some parts of whats going through my head these days..

So I'm not really sure of what to write but I kinda feel like writing so we'll see what we end up with... This weekend I've mainly been reading Little Women and listening to Tori Amos so you can imagine my mood (if you can't I'll give you a hint; very mellow borderliningly depressed) (or something like that- can't put it into words really)

Anyway.. so I've been thinking a little about teaching and life and Cambodia and such and Ive realised that Im starting to settle in a bit. In the beginning I was always overwhelmed by everythig that happend but now I can come home from CDCC and not feel like oh my God what just happend? So I'm starting to get into the routine and I don't reflect over it as much anymore. It's quite comfortable and not very demanding. I'm not sure how effective my stay here is but somehow it doesnt seem to matter so much. I'm sure in the end I will at least have made some small difference and I will have learnt so much more so I'm not stressing about it. It's quite nice not spinning on full gas every single day.
However, having my main task of teaching going in to a normal state where I don't have to focus and worry about it every single minute makes room for other troubles and worries which takes as much time and energy from me as from worrying about the teaching. Isn't it funny how some people (maybe all of us) ALWAYS have something to stress over and if we don't then we make something up because we need something to worry about, agree?
This might sound silly but one of my biggest worries is the fact that my worries are so superficial and self-centered. Haha its silly I really should be thinking of all the poor starving Cambodians or the political crisis which N. Korea and Iran is stirring but hey I guess I just find myself more interesting. (I can not believe I just said that)
Things I've discovered in Cambodia: well there are two things that I have always taken a great pride in. One, is my skill in dancing and the other one is I've always been very good at English. These things Ive realised arent very true. I'm sure I was good at dancing when I actually did it but if you stop for three years then you are kinda bound to loose that skill. I really miss it though. Second my English is far from fluent and I'm actually starting to get evry concious about it and it disturbs me. And its funny how when things you consider to be one of your trade marks turn out to be false you feel as if you loose yourself a little bit. Haha I just remebered I had this discussion with my sister a few years ago. Do you remeber that Petra?
What else... I'm a bit thrown off at seeing how extremly desperate I am for friends. I really miss the college in that sense cause there I wasd always able to go find some one to go talk to. Here, well here I dont really know any one except the people in the house and well while we live together we arent really friends and its difficult to discuss problems, hopes and thoughts with people who just think and reason in such a completly different way from yourself. I guess I became very spoile4d at UWC cause all of us more or less thought in the same way. And another thing which Ive discovered (or rediscovered) as a thing I probably need to work at is that when I actually do get people who seem to be interested in becoming my friends I get so excited that I more or less end up suffocating them. I need to relearn how to make friends. at the college you could spend three days with just one person getting to know them better and taht was fine... here well Jen made a really good comment which I think is true for most people (excet for me that is) I dont mind seeing him but not more than once a week cause otherwise it gets a bit too much of him.
Hmm I don't really know. Not even sure I know what I am typing just rambling away. I want friends howeverm, and I really miss my proper friends the ones who just understood me perfectly when i said: you know.
Besides that Im kinda just living in the moment, can't work up the energy to think about the future. I don't know what I want. Hey, I don't even know what I want with my next week.
From one thing to another I'm not sure if Ive told you this yet but its funny cause you can kinda see the common trait of the people who come out here and gives up their lives at home. Very independent people and to a certain extent a little selfish (?) It's like they refuse their lives at home with responsibilities and comes out here under the disguise of saving the world. Hey I dont know, maybe I'm being judgemental.
I've realised that there is so much good music that Ive missed out on.. thats my mission for whenever I am at a stable point of my life to extend my music knowledge.. man I regret not taking the lessons given by Linnea more seriously....
Back to the children: I'm not really sure of what to do for them like teaching is fine but it's in the time betwee that I get a bit thrown off. I dont really know any good games to play with them and we cant really communicate. It's hard, I wish I could entertain them more or at least interact with them more I just can't figure out how. It usually ends up with me jst sitting with them having one or two or three of them leanign on me... got any suggestions?
Oh yeah one more thing Ive forgot to tell you; my stomach has more or less been unbalanced for the past four weeks waking me up in the morning and stuff and I havent really been able to tell what its been about. Like I havent been properly stomach sick yet(Thank you very much :)) but it's not completly happy and well Im just accepting it and trying to ignore it but then Friday I had pizza, man it was really good but you can imagien how very unhappy my stomach got having to digest such greasy food after more or less living on vegetables the past two months so yes very much pain so then on saturday I was forced to eat only veggies and fruit. Oh well. It's Asia.
I've been thinking if I'm turnign ignorant. Like I'm in theory aware of how amazing my life have been so far and how much Ive gotten to experience if you compare it to many other people my age or even twice that but in practise I dont see it as all that great, its like yeah okay. I guess its some sort of self defense mechanism though, Imagine how I would behave if I was constantly thinking of how amazing my life is... I'd be a wreck...

I think I'm gonna end it for now don't really know what I've written, can't be bothered to read it through (I'm amazed you have :)) and I can only imagine the picture I've portraid of myself, not sure it's a very flattering one.
Well it's ten pm and I'm off to bed with Tori Amos and Little women. Another week is awaitin and on Tuesday its a national holiday which we are gonna in the spirit of cultural understanding celebrate Halloween on. Man what am I gonna dress as?!

not much...

The kids are still BEAUTIFUL

There are so many things and people in this country that are just surreal

Im FULL of mosquito bites, do pitty me please cause they itch so aweful.

Went on a proper motorbike yesterday and raced through the streets of Phnom Penh, freaking scary and I loved it!

For more info feel free to ask.

not much...

The kids are still BEAUTIFUL

There are so many things and people in this country that are just surreal

Im FULL of mosquito bites, do pitty me please cause they itch so aweful.

Went on a proper motorbike yesterday and raced through the streets of Phnom Penh, freaking scary and I loved it!

For more info feel free to ask.

The realities some people are forced to live in.

There I sat with two girls age 11 and 12 telling me with all the excitment they could have had over them being able to have a conversation i English about their past. They were sitting there talking in eachothers mouth they were so excited. The topic? Before CDCC, working at the garbage dump, the bad smell, not eating, picking garbage from 6 am til 5 pm, their father dying. All this they told me with a big smile on their face not realizing what an unnatural childhood that was just soo excited being able to tell me and me listening.

A boy decided to run away, apparently this isnt the first time it has happened. He is a quite irrational child. Nevertheless we were very worried. You should have seen him when he was brought back after three days. He hadnt had a shower during that time or a decent meal. Imagine a 13 year old boy looking exhausted from something else but say play football. Difficult huh?

A little boy is suffering from severe acute bronchitis, he tried to take part in our English class but had to leave when he was coughing up mucus on the floor. When I went to see how he was doing he was leaning towards one of the beds coughing and coughing. I sat down on the bed opposite and then I sat there for about half an hour listening to him coughing literally hanging on me for support with tears in his eyes from all the coughing. Then all of a sudden it was as if he had had enough cause he just stod up and looked at me and said, Study English? and then he started coughing again. Yes, children do get sick and yes, children are capable of managing but it still hurts to see one of those kids who always has a smile on their face clinging on to you for support.


You'd be blown away if you ever came to Cambodia. I'm here, trying to cope.

some random thoughts

Yesterday evening one of the guys from saturday asked me to come and hang with them but I didnt know how appropriate it would be so I asked the lady who works with them what she thought and she adviced me not to... this mornign I woke up really happy that I took her advice and for once accepted someone elses opinion on what was a good idea, i think if i were at home i would have gne anyway :)

Teaching today was truly testing.. alone again, I dont know if its me or them. in anycae they were just not at all focused, fooling around and just behaving badly and I realised that I hvent managed to put up a role of which I have respect from them.. I think up until now they mostly see me as a fun person who they are allowed to hug as much as they want (which is starting to go a bit overboard as well for some of them) I need to figure out how to make them look at me with attention... or something liek that

I was so amazed today by this one girl who came up to me and said she was sorry for behacing badly last friday and i was just so impressed that first of all she had the maturity to register the fact that she was behaving badly and also the courage to come up and face me and appologize... what an amazing little girl..

its hot! I sweated more today standing still than I have ever done exercising before

bike riding in phnom penh is hilarious and soooo dangerous

over and out

Content

Today has been a very nice day and I just figured out why. Its the first time since I came here that Ive felt content, relaxed and satisfied. All in all just un-edgy. Its a very pleasant feeling I think I might finally starting to settle in and get accustomed to the crazy ways of Cambodia.

I know Im supposed to be here saving the world not caring about wordly things and own vanity but I must say I really miss my wardrobe and the chance to have so much clothes to choose from man I like my wardrobe! Oh well so in the desire of tclothes to wear I went out for a bike ride yesterday in search for normal stores and not markets where you have to haggle and bargain.. too much work.. So I had a very nice trip of abotu an hour but I needed to go up and down the same street twice to find the stores I was looking for (my orientation skills are truly embarrassing) and once in the stores I realised how happy I was that Id only brought like $25 cause the prices of these clothes were definatly meant for westeners and I dont think I would be comfortable spending like $100 dollars on a dress when thats more than many people here make in a year! But they were very pretty, thus I am happy I didnt bring my VISA risking to fall for temptation. Its just such a funny country (like when I went on a moto the other day and we'd decided the price of 3000 riel (about $ 0.75) but when I got of I only had a dollar and he didnt have any change so in the good spirit I said just keep it and my expectation of him was to say thank you and appreciate it, instead he just laughed at me as if saying haha I managed to scam another 1000 from you. Its just sad I really do not see any of the hospitality and friendliness in Cambodia that everyone has told me so much abotu I just see greed)
So to get on.. since I wasnt about to spend $100 on a dress I ended up going to the market and actually got three very nice tops, I'm quite satisfied. The rest of the day I totally chilled just watching TV unable to be bothered by work and when night time came I felt as if it was time to do something and there was a kind of celebration which we'd been invited to and I was prepared to go when the others decided that they were gonna stay in and work (WORK ON A SATURDAY EVENING?!?!! HELLO!)
So one of my goals for myself by going here was to become more independant... I really can not stand my own company Im noticing more and more and Im also seeing how protected Ive been always given help when needed so I am hoping to become more independant by being here..., well yesterday was my first step towards that. (Yes I can very well see how you all are going oh my god how full of herself she is but nevermind that) I went to the party alone and it turned out quite okay actually..got home at about one and felt really happy I think thats why im so content today because I managed to take care of myself yesterday and that I managed to make contacts outside the compound... anyways cant quite explain it just a feel good feeling...
Hmm Well I should tell you about Friday as well. Friday morning Jen went to Kep which meant that Gerbrand and I where to teach alone together (however that now works :)) Except that Friday morning he comes down looking rather pale and saying he dont think he can come in... sa here I go from three teachers in one class to one teacher flyign solo! Oh my.. freaking out just a bit (luckily there is another boy from England staying at the center who helps us out so I wasnt completly doing it on my own) up until lunch it all went fine but the second class consisted of five children all very uniterested to learn and just completly not into working with me. then I came home about an hour later than I was supposed to because the van broke down (it does that about three times a week ) so then when I got home I was as if in a coma... I think it was knowing that the responsibility lied on my shoulders... when jen and gerbrand is there I can just laugh at the problems but now it was only me... so yeah.. totally exhausted! But it does feel great to know that I can when there is the need!

but at this moment in time Im feeling rather good about life in Cambodia.

Take care
Jom reap lear

srour sdey

Alright.. so yesterday didnt really turn out the way i thought it would... to be able to explain this ll have to start at another end..
our small group of people here often joke about all these people coming out to take part in the HBK project(for those of you who want to know this means the-hug-the-brown-kids project) they come to cambodia to hug some brown children and throw some money to them and leave feeling like theyve done soemthing really good which in a way they have but they havent really got an idea of the actual situation for these kids and their reality while as us (as we are sitting up there on our high horses looking down so wisely can judge) are able to get a proper picture and get included in their lives since we're here for so long and spending so much time with them....

well yesterday i felt as if I was part of the HBK project... it felt as if I came there and they were putting on this show for me being super nice just waiting for me to sign a cheque. And thats not at all what I want... (especially since i dont have any money to give..) i want to be a part of it.. so well that was a bit of a dissapointment but we'kk see what happens... maybe i can get through backsatge so to say...

then today was just an even crazier day... i woke up still being dissapointed from the day before and then after our morning class it started to rain like INSANELY! ( I swear Ive seen few as heavy downpours it was quite amazing) I guess I got a bit carried away when I saw some of the boys playing in the rain so I decided to join which of course led to me being soaking wet.. hehe but hey it was fun...

What else? oh yeah I was assigned a new task to do from Bridges today.. Im to go through the two newspapers in Phnm Penh from the pat ear looking for articles of human rights violation where people are evicted.. hehe that means going through I dont know how many newspapers... phew what work.. :)

Alright I think Ill stop there for now.. need to go plan our lesson for tomorrow oh and for interest Im not going to Pursat this weekend (maybe next though) so Im trying to figure out what to do instead in order not to go crazy of all the time Ill have on my hands.. (I really need to learn how to be comfortable in my own company)

Emails are always nice...

Oh and listen to the cure friday im in love :) i like..

Jom reap lear.. (shit! i just realised ive forgot to practise my khmer alphabet for tomorrow!! To (my teacher) is gonan eb upset with me again.. oh no...)
:D

shhort, gold teeth, a lot of excitement, and crazy cambodia

Wow what a week Ive had since last time...the week went on pretty normal and teaching was quite okay as well but Ill get back to that in a moment, first i wanna talk about the weekend :).
Im getting more and more convinced of the fact that Cambodia is totally... dont even know what word to use to describe it.... unbelievable(?)...
Friday was ehm.. fun.. hehe Michael threw himself a good bye party on a boat.. yep you can rent a boat for about ten dollars an hour to go up and down the river and have a party on it... and well... i met some pretty cool people but for the majority of people here it is actually really hard to get in contact with them.. (and it was even worse on saturday when we went out on a bar- im used to people being interested in making contacts when they go out but here nope...) its like they have thir little group of friends and thats enough for them... we'll see what happens... at lezast im glad i have the other five here so im not totally alone.. well anyways back to the point.. after the boat we went for pizza (YAY PIZZA! yumyum) and then back home... but okay so heres the real event of the evening worth telling but i will need to give you some background facts.. on Wednesday i think it was michael told me about this project hed gotten in touch with... let me start of with these three words:

UNICEF

street kids

breakdance

how cool is that??? in order to give street kids something to do theres a bunch of guys who teaches them breakdance and its sponsored by UNICEF (and soon BAB) and well anyway i told michael that i really really wanted to get involved and he said sure and then on friday on the boat one of the guys involved was there and michael introduced me.. his name is shhort (yes with two h) and hes khmer american and i really could not believe my eyes.. it was him and another guy with tatooes and gold teeth( gold teeth!!!) and tehy were like taken straight from gangsta movie.. oh my god you really ought to see them i will try and take pics :D.... well anyways... i told shhort i was really interested and he said sure... :D:D:D which means that im going to meet him tomorrow and hes gonna take me to see these kids... AWESOME.. (my new favourite word which ive by the way thaught the kidds...) anyways...
really cool....
Saturday was cool had a nice morning, went for a bikeride to a book shop (books are more expensive here than they are at home ) and then teh evening as rather dull to be honest... went to a bar and then to another one and it really didnt gice anything.. oh welll
well sunday i didnt really do much but other people did... our neighbours were having a party and they had it not only on their driveway but on the neigbours next to them and our driveway as well.. this means that in order for us to get out to the street we had to walk right through the party.. and then next to the party were our driveway is extended kind of they had set up a provisional kitchen and i saw them cook a live fish about the size of my arm (OH MY GOD) but its funny hey cause well this is the general thing about cambodia they dont really think things through... oh okay so we're having a party and we need space therefore we will set up our party tent so it takes up like four peoples driveways but they dont realise that by doing this they are totally locking us in and that this is quite an inconvienance for us.. it really is interesting to how different their way of reasoning (or lack of it ) is compared to western standards... hmm...

osh gosh... sorry for being so sloppy in y writing and for tormenting you by writing this long..ill blame it on it being late and me being a bit too excited.. i think ill kleep the teaching part for tomorrow and then ill fill you in on what happend with the gangstas as well :D (super pschyked about it!! :D)

anyways... joum reap lear (bye in kmer... its coming along slowly..)