Guilt

So it's me again
I know I'm probably repeating myself but in all fairness if you knew how much time this takes up in my mind compared to the time I talk about it, you'd think I was keeping dead silent. Anyways.

I miss my kids. A lot. And thinking about them and still trying to process those last days and the entire time makes me so sick. I understand that i shouldn't be thinking like this that if not me then someone else and that I shouldn't give myself this much credit but still. When I think of thse children and think of how much I used them for my own interest it sickens me. Like yeah I miss them but so what I'm a big girl and I choose to love them therefor it is my pain to be carried. But them? They never asked for me to come, and they are so young and for them to understand that I'm leaving them at one point that can't be something that they can realise. Then when I actually leave just abandoning them liek that. God I feel so guilty just leaving them after building up their trust towards me for such a long time. Like this one girl whom has had so many problems in her short life and who people have treated so unjust. To see the look in her eyes when I told her I was leaving in a weeks time. It's torture. I could see all of the pain inside her through her eyes looking at me. I can't believe I have put her through this. It's so cruel. And then thinking I might go back there for Christmas and put them through this again??

I know that it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all but still they're so young and I feel so incredibly guilty.