Just some parts of whats going through my head these days..

So I'm not really sure of what to write but I kinda feel like writing so we'll see what we end up with... This weekend I've mainly been reading Little Women and listening to Tori Amos so you can imagine my mood (if you can't I'll give you a hint; very mellow borderliningly depressed) (or something like that- can't put it into words really)

Anyway.. so I've been thinking a little about teaching and life and Cambodia and such and Ive realised that Im starting to settle in a bit. In the beginning I was always overwhelmed by everythig that happend but now I can come home from CDCC and not feel like oh my God what just happend? So I'm starting to get into the routine and I don't reflect over it as much anymore. It's quite comfortable and not very demanding. I'm not sure how effective my stay here is but somehow it doesnt seem to matter so much. I'm sure in the end I will at least have made some small difference and I will have learnt so much more so I'm not stressing about it. It's quite nice not spinning on full gas every single day.
However, having my main task of teaching going in to a normal state where I don't have to focus and worry about it every single minute makes room for other troubles and worries which takes as much time and energy from me as from worrying about the teaching. Isn't it funny how some people (maybe all of us) ALWAYS have something to stress over and if we don't then we make something up because we need something to worry about, agree?
This might sound silly but one of my biggest worries is the fact that my worries are so superficial and self-centered. Haha its silly I really should be thinking of all the poor starving Cambodians or the political crisis which N. Korea and Iran is stirring but hey I guess I just find myself more interesting. (I can not believe I just said that)
Things I've discovered in Cambodia: well there are two things that I have always taken a great pride in. One, is my skill in dancing and the other one is I've always been very good at English. These things Ive realised arent very true. I'm sure I was good at dancing when I actually did it but if you stop for three years then you are kinda bound to loose that skill. I really miss it though. Second my English is far from fluent and I'm actually starting to get evry concious about it and it disturbs me. And its funny how when things you consider to be one of your trade marks turn out to be false you feel as if you loose yourself a little bit. Haha I just remebered I had this discussion with my sister a few years ago. Do you remeber that Petra?
What else... I'm a bit thrown off at seeing how extremly desperate I am for friends. I really miss the college in that sense cause there I wasd always able to go find some one to go talk to. Here, well here I dont really know any one except the people in the house and well while we live together we arent really friends and its difficult to discuss problems, hopes and thoughts with people who just think and reason in such a completly different way from yourself. I guess I became very spoile4d at UWC cause all of us more or less thought in the same way. And another thing which Ive discovered (or rediscovered) as a thing I probably need to work at is that when I actually do get people who seem to be interested in becoming my friends I get so excited that I more or less end up suffocating them. I need to relearn how to make friends. at the college you could spend three days with just one person getting to know them better and taht was fine... here well Jen made a really good comment which I think is true for most people (excet for me that is) I dont mind seeing him but not more than once a week cause otherwise it gets a bit too much of him.
Hmm I don't really know. Not even sure I know what I am typing just rambling away. I want friends howeverm, and I really miss my proper friends the ones who just understood me perfectly when i said: you know.
Besides that Im kinda just living in the moment, can't work up the energy to think about the future. I don't know what I want. Hey, I don't even know what I want with my next week.
From one thing to another I'm not sure if Ive told you this yet but its funny cause you can kinda see the common trait of the people who come out here and gives up their lives at home. Very independent people and to a certain extent a little selfish (?) It's like they refuse their lives at home with responsibilities and comes out here under the disguise of saving the world. Hey I dont know, maybe I'm being judgemental.
I've realised that there is so much good music that Ive missed out on.. thats my mission for whenever I am at a stable point of my life to extend my music knowledge.. man I regret not taking the lessons given by Linnea more seriously....
Back to the children: I'm not really sure of what to do for them like teaching is fine but it's in the time betwee that I get a bit thrown off. I dont really know any good games to play with them and we cant really communicate. It's hard, I wish I could entertain them more or at least interact with them more I just can't figure out how. It usually ends up with me jst sitting with them having one or two or three of them leanign on me... got any suggestions?
Oh yeah one more thing Ive forgot to tell you; my stomach has more or less been unbalanced for the past four weeks waking me up in the morning and stuff and I havent really been able to tell what its been about. Like I havent been properly stomach sick yet(Thank you very much :)) but it's not completly happy and well Im just accepting it and trying to ignore it but then Friday I had pizza, man it was really good but you can imagien how very unhappy my stomach got having to digest such greasy food after more or less living on vegetables the past two months so yes very much pain so then on saturday I was forced to eat only veggies and fruit. Oh well. It's Asia.
I've been thinking if I'm turnign ignorant. Like I'm in theory aware of how amazing my life have been so far and how much Ive gotten to experience if you compare it to many other people my age or even twice that but in practise I dont see it as all that great, its like yeah okay. I guess its some sort of self defense mechanism though, Imagine how I would behave if I was constantly thinking of how amazing my life is... I'd be a wreck...

I think I'm gonna end it for now don't really know what I've written, can't be bothered to read it through (I'm amazed you have :)) and I can only imagine the picture I've portraid of myself, not sure it's a very flattering one.
Well it's ten pm and I'm off to bed with Tori Amos and Little women. Another week is awaitin and on Tuesday its a national holiday which we are gonna in the spirit of cultural understanding celebrate Halloween on. Man what am I gonna dress as?!